Monday, June 27, 2005

Sex on the First Date: Does it Lead to a Romp in the Sack or a Meaningful Relationship?

I found an interesting article on the Washington Blade web site main page, http://www.washblade.com

It proclaims, "Gay sex is everywhere these days." The TV is a mainstain of this, including "Queer as Folk", "Six Feet Under" and even "Desparate Housewives".

It's often promiscuous sex that is depected on these programs. But to gay men believe that this is always the case? From the results of a survey conducted by the Washington Blade, it runs the spectrum from promiscuity to long-term relationships to personal codes of conduct based on a variety of complex factors?

So is screwing around on the first date, the norm for gay men? According to those guys surveyed, it all depends.

A psychologist and sex therapist interviewed for the article, Michael Hendricks, says that when "two people have sex too soon, the relationship is more likely to be based on fantasy". But what is so bad about that? A respondent to the survey said that it can be "fun to just go at it becuase you find the other person "hot" and the feeling is mutual".

According to those in the know, sex lives are influenced by emotional and supeficial factors, such as race, age, level of comfort with being gay, how drunk or high you might be at a particular moment, your relationship history, a broken heart and health status. So being on the rebound has some influence on how you take that first encounter, easy and slow, or ramping it to the extreme.

One of the respondents, Mike, wrote that he would "only engage in bondage, role-playing and spanking with men he has an emotional connection with". But he concluded that relationships for him take priority over casual sex.

This other guy who completed the survey, "Dan", said that he assumed in his 20's that a sexual attraction meant "happy ever after". But he knows better now than to, at the drop of a pin after the first dates, to rent the U-Haul and " order his and his mongrammed towels".

Also, obviously, HIV status also plays a role in making decisions about sex, for rational gay men, anyway.

Mike Hendricks, the psychologist interview for the article, concludes that "sexual freedom with no rules ultimately leaves gay men with the right to choose a sex life that makes them feel comfortable and says that it's an important extension of their personalities".

The Dan man also feels that God gave him this wonderful ability to have sex, and by God, "it would be a sin not to use it". Now that's putting the most positive spin on having gay sex that I have ever read. I absolutely agree with him.

So what are your feelings about sex on the first date? And taking this one step further, is kinky sex healthy or harmful to a gay man, whether or not he's in a relationship? I feel that a little sleaze as long as it's protect sex, can only lead to more pleasurable sex and who knows, a long term commitment. You won't know if you don't try.

9 comments:

cola boy said...

I think it all depends on the person. My view on sex is that it is an enjoyable activity, but it is not something I reserve only for my partner, so sex on a first date was not a problem for me.

AC said...

Personally, I often feel de-valued when I have sex on the first date, but I would often use sex on the first date as a way to get someone's attention -- not realizing that was often the only thing that was wanted. My partner and I are monogamous so experimenting here and there with some kink helps keep things interesting!!!

Will said...

I had always thought that when seriously looking for THE man, a little restraint was in order. But it was very different when it happened to me.

I met Fritz at a gay men's tantric massage group meeting. As I often say, when you meet the man of your dreams, you're both naked and one of you is already lying down, it saves a lot of time. However, the meeting was about massage technique, not about sex.

Our first date was less than a week later. He invited me up to his place in New Hampshire to see his conference/teaching center and have lunch. I'm not sure he actually let me finish dessert before putting the moves on me. It was really good.

It's now eight years and one Massachusetts legal gay marriage later. I was a shallow slut that afternoon and have been incredibly happy ever since.

Will said...

PS--One man's kink can be another man's vanilla. Very serious communication can happen between men through the least likely sexual means.

It has to be consensual and it has to feed into their souls and into the thing they've built between themselves. I feel that if it doesn't hurt anyone and it works for them, it's just fine. I have a pretty deep belief in gay spirituality and that the mores are different for gay men than for the rest of the population.

Scotty said...

For me, I espected sex on the first date...with my current partner of 3 years, we started out as a hook-up and we clicked that night, THEN we started dating and have been together ever since.

sheog69 said...

At the tender age of 25 I always slept with guys on the first night (if I was let) until I met my current partner. We didn't have sex for nearly a month and I'm now 4 months into the most wonderful friendship and relationship I never thought I've had. And the mystery definately kept us going back for more. And the more is mutually fulfilling and interesting to us both.

hbjock said...

I guess for me it would depend. I usually try to stay away from sex on the first date when I really like a guy. I'm always worried that maybe that's all he was looking for.. and sometimes I'd prefer to not even go there if that's the case...

Although sometimes it just gets so hot that my hormones just get out of control. And if it works out, then it works out.

ROBOCUB said...

I've dated some men where I didn't have sex on the first date, only because I didn't want to. And on the other hand, Eddie (my man) and I had some nasty fun piggy sex on our first date and we're happily "married" shall I say, over 3 years later.

Anonymous said...

We had sex the first night we met. I moved in the next day, and we celebrate our 50th anniversary this October.

GV