Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Married Men Who Play Gay On the Down Low, Living a Lie, But Can't Get Enough of Their Secret Gay Lifestyle

Leave it up to Details Magazine in its Jan/Feb 2006 issue to expose the common practice of so called straight married men hooking up with single gay men or other "married" gay men.

The article reports that these men frequent gay bathhouses and love to hook up during the week, like Monday nights during NFL season. One place where they play gay so their wives don't suspect this hanky panky are bathhouses in big cities like St. Louis. The Orgy Room is a popular hangout for these guys during weeknights. Lots of cash changes hands and plenty of wedding bands or tan lines on the fourth finger abound.

Some of the guys interviewed are very happy with this situation. They are happily married, but not the "quote-unquote stereotypical husband. They live in Red Republican states but gladly admit that they are a little pink underneath.

They hookup via the internet and have favorite bathhouses or bars to meet. Craigslist and Manhunt are popular places that they frequent on the net.

You would think they would be guilty playing around like this, and some do, but being found out and leaving their happy home is not a viable option for them. They have "traditional values" like having their wives put notes in their lunch sacks, going to church together, raising their children and sharing backyard barbecues with their neighbors.

But some find out soon enough that they can't have it both ways. I knew a guy just like this. He finally had to tell his wife. So she compromised. He could go out to the discos with her, dance his ass off with the guys, but at the end of the night, he would have to go home with her. For a while it lasted, but eventually he strayed and she couldn't give in anymore.

One of the guys interviewed for the story, Alex Westerfelt is project director of a group called Kansas' Healthy Living Project. The group gets grant money to sponsor such educational presentations like "Park Queen", a program promoting nonsexual "adult behavior" in public parks and conducted by a police officer. I guess the cop tells them it's a no-no to introduce yourself to some other dude during your park visit by rubbing his crotch in public when a handshake would do just fine.

While you'd think the vast majority of these guys are over 40, there are guys in their 20's who are married to women and are in a state of denial in saying, "I'm not really gay and don't want to live a gay life". What they are trying to do, according to Westerflet is "fill the emotional need they have to be ina relationship with a man, and they substitute physical intimacy for emotional intimacy". To me that is a recipe for a fucked up life, not only yours, but your wife and kids.

The article identifies this guy, "Chad" who is a father of three, who meets strangers in mall restrooms for mutual masturbation- when he's not volunteering along side his wife at church fundraisers. He rationalizes, why come out, when that would me giving up the camping vacations with his family, showing off the kids to the in-laws at Christmas, cheering alongside his wife at their basketball and softball games. This kind of guy is just bad news. He is too much of a coward to come clean with himself and his family. He is the most dangerous kind of guy a gay man could ever encounter.

I won't even go into how starved they are for sex that they can expose their wives to HIV and other diseases when they let their guard down and have unprotected sex. What these guys need is a big boot up their asses. On second thought, for some of them, that might be too much of a good thing.


Teddy Pig said...

Details huh...

As someone who started out my coming out in a local bathhouse this is old news. I guess you have to do exposes like this to remind people how we are still a messed up a society.
No matter how accepting we think we are as long as people are willing to live lies like this... well they did not get this idea from having caring wonderful parents that taught them to accept themselves and deal with others honestly, right?

cola boy said...

Another great post, Buff! It all jsut amazes me the number of married men out there looking for the other side of sex.

Spider said...

Part of me feels sad for them, part of me feels angry towards them... I guess we all have to do what we feel is right for us at the point in life where we are... I am not wild about being "used" my the married dude who wants my dick or my ass AND his wife and kids and vacation - HIM I am angry at, but the man who is confused and unsure and scared, that is a different story.

Will said...

Unstated and I guess unexplored in the article is the massive hypocrisy, willful ignorance, and cruelty of a society that turns its children out filled with lies and indoctrinated hatred so that they are unable to or terrified of understanding who they really are at an age when such dishonest marriages might be prevented. I've always loved this country but I have to admit that major parts of its psyche are terminally fucked up.

Mr. Pants said...

The irritation of what these individuals are doing to themselves, their family, and those they play with is just so great with me. I am not proud of my past, but I do accept it for what it was, a learning experience. My first encounter with a man (my very first) was with a 'happily married man, a wife of 15-ish years, three wonderful kids' and a Major in the military. I never saw a ring or the tan line (apparently, he carried it in a pouch around his neck). He never offered it up. I found out when I was at the mall and saw him walk around a corner. When I caught up with him, he was picking up his son and chatting with his wife. I continued to walk past him and left him alone.

These individuals are what continues to spread diseases due to their secretive nature. they put innocent lives at stake with the communicable diseases that they can 'inadvertently' pass along to the partners or other tricks that they encounter.

I am not going to continue, but just step off the soapbox now ...

Qivan said...

I think the situation is a little more complicated than that.

Derek said...

good thought provoking entry. I think it's sad. I'm just glad I didn't go that route, which I very easily could have, thank goodness the girl I was going to marry changed her mind.