The Responsible Slut Lurking Inside All of Us

Here's a first person account of a recent trip to the clinic by a contributer to the Edmonton, CA alternative, Vue Weekly. Oh yes, it does bring back memories of that first time.

TOTALLY GAY
Luke Foster / totallygay@vueweekly.com
You're dirtier than you think ... but, then again, so is everyone else

There’s never a pleasant reason why you have to go to the STD clinic, but there is always a good one. Maybe you had a one-nighter with a stranger, it burns when you pee, or your partner recently came up positive for a sexually transmitted infection. If something like that has ever happened to you, or there’s some doubt in your mind that you may have contracted a STD, you need to go and get tested. It’s not just about your own health, but the health of others and stopping the chain of infection.

Now the author knows it can be a daunting experience for anyone who’s never been tested before. Not only are you poked and prodded and subjected to semi-invasive physical examinations, but also once you step in the door, you’re directly confronted by your past. You start thinking about the users, losers and cruisers that are probably the reason you’re there in the first place. It’s a very emotional, stressful and potentially embarrassing situation, but one that’s completely unavoidable.

The author recently visited the clinic for the very first time and it really wasn’t as terrifying as he had initially thought. It was relatively pain-free, everything is completely confidential and no one should abstain from being tested simply out of fear. He made his appointment over the phone and went one day during his lunch break. Once he arrived, he checked in with the receptionist, filled out a short form with his personal contact information, then took a seat in the waiting room. Under the harsh, unflattering fluorescent lights, he began perusing through some pamphlets, every so often looking up from reading material to silently judge the other people who were waiting for their names to be called. He knew the purpose of his visit.

After all, he was just writing a story. He states, "I’m not dirty or anything. But I wondered what brought these other poor souls, who were twiddling their thumbs and refusing to make eye contact with me, to this place. I automatically assumed the scrawny, so obviously gay boy sitting to my right was just a slut and regular visits to the STD clinic were simply routine. "

His name was eventually called and he followed his inspector, a mature RN, down the hall into one of the exam rooms.

Once seated, the male nurse jumped right into the questions. “Is this your first time being tested?” Yes. “Do you have sex with men?” Yes. “Do you have sex with women?” Ew. “Is there anything in particular that’s brought you here?” He stammers, "I’m just writing a story. I’m not dirty or anything. "

Then his inquiries got more particular. How many partners have you had? Have you ever had unprotected sex? Have you ever been involved with someone who may be positive for HIV or AIDS? Terms like “insertive” and “receptive” were tossed around. Past sex acts were disclosed. Possible symptoms were discussed.

Our brave boy discovered that he might be a little bit dirtier than he initially thought. After the questions came the physical tests. Although he told him he had no apparent symptoms, because his last sexual encounter had been within the last six-month period, the RN gave him the works, because some STDs can be completely asymptomatic, meaning you can have something like gonorrhea in your throat and not know it. Or if you’re infected with HIV, it can take up to about six months for a blood test to come back positive.

First, his blood was taken. Then the took a swab of his throat. After that, heI was told to drop his pants and hop up onto the exam table. The RN took a look around down there for anything suspicious, and then came the worst part of an otherwise pain-free experience. The RNe swabbed our boy'ss urethra. Stuck it right up there. It was not a sensation that he or any of us appreciated or would ever like to feel again. It hurts, ( yes, it always does) but it was over in a second.

After the author pulled his pants back up, the RN handed me a cup for a urine sample he was to leave for testing on my way out. (I always love this part of the examination, pissing into a cold plastic cup, something of a cross between a personal condiment container from a fast food restaurant and a baby food jar.)

Before he left, though, he asked the nurse a couple of questions that had been on his mind and he was more than happy to answer them.

"Can you become infected with HIV if you get a blow-job from a guy who’s positive and has a tongue stud? “I’d say the risk is minimal.” Would you say that there could be a situation where it would be alright for two guys to have sex without condoms? “Not risk-free, if that’s what you mean. I’d say they could maybe think about it if both parties have been tested and are in a mutually monotonous relationship.” Don’t you mean monogamous? “That’s what I said.”

After peeing in the cup and leaving it at the sample station, his mission was accomplished. Results are normally ready in a week, and for some, a return trip to the clinic in necessary to obtain the results in person. He writes, "Again, I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. But I worried nonetheless. It was very strange how that very slim chance that I had contracted something monopolized my thoughts for a week. I can’t even imagine how stressful it would be for someone who actually had a disconcerting sexual or drug-related experience."

Lucky for him, his results came back negative for everything. No chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis A and B, syphilis, or HIV.

He writes, "I felt relieved and responsible, like the adult I never thought I’d have to be.

The physical consequences associated with having sex are usually not the most scarring ones, but they need to be taken care of nonetheless.

It's always better to know and be responsible, than not to know and be irresponsible.

Guys who knowingly spread HIV and the rest of the diseases mentioned about, should be arrested as criminals. They don't deserve to play on our playground. So guys, always protect yourself, and you too, will have that great weight taken off your shoulder next time you face the STD exam. And yes, cumming clean gets a great big suck face kiss from yours truly.