Friday, March 03, 2006

Boyfriend Material: The Urge to Make and Shape Him Into Your Own Creation

In the latest issue of "Details" magazine, our bud, Aususten Burroughs, reflects on how he, in the past had always sought out flaws in his boyfriends and wanted to rectify these "flaws" even though he was deeply flawed both physically and emotionally himself. Call it the "bitter Queen syndrome".

I had an old boyfriend who had a similiar quark in his impressions of men. One day I had enough of his judging and said that I could always find one quality in a guy, no matter what. He wouldn't hear of it and continued to be his ultra-judgemental self. Needless to say, I dumped him like a poisonous rattlesnake, which, in hind sight, he was.

Augusten has a similiar character flaw, but he is man enough to expose himself to his adoring public in a humorous way. He starts out transforming himself, saying, "So I started overhauling my ass. And at the end of the day working on his fixer-upper house, when you've been hoisting around your own, internal two-by-fours and reuilding your joists, you really don't want to go fiddle with somebody else's (body) parts and pieces." Needless to say, none of the butts pictured above are his.

What he's trying to say that you got to accept flaws in another guy, because who are you to judge, being flawed yourself. He mentions his current love, Dennis, who has a tendency to speak in a LOUD VOICE. So he learns to live with that. And faced with a list of dislikes that Dennis readily developed, Augusten has learned to try to become more the person Dennis would like him to be. So the tables are turned.

In life you have to take the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet. When you fall for a guy, you fall for the entire man, not just pieces. You learn to accept him as he is, so called, warts and all. You accept him and even learn to find them endearing.

All of us can become better versions of ourselves. It takes self examination and listening to others. Constructive criticism is beneficial. There is always a better way to do something. You'd be surprised what can transform.

All this said, just try to be the best you can be. I love you guys.


fgfdsg said...

The main reason I've noticed that so many single but 'attractive enough to not be' gay guys I've known can't seem to find 'Mr Right' seems to be the fact that they have this Perfect Fantasy in their head and refuse to lower their standards to a *realistic level*.

Prospective boyfriends are always analysed in ways that they needed to be changed to be perfect. Unfortunately life isn't and never will be perfect, (and it would be boring if it was).

When they complain about having to put up with the things that annoy them about their partner, I always laugh to myself at the ridiculous idea they have in their head that their parter isn't having to do *the exact same thing back*. It simply never seems to occur to them that they might have their flaws as well.

That's what a relationship is - learning to work to a two way compromise of wills.

Tony said...

I can't say I disagree with Simon's comments. I feel much the same. There is no such thing as a "perfect man." We won't find him nor can we mold ourselves into that person. Either side will lose out in the long-run if they maintain this thought process.

While I am single, I find myself more and more attracted to something inherently unique in a guy; not solely exterior physical looks.

On a less serious side...Buff, oh why did you post this pic in your blog?!?!?! I am such an 'arse' man -- hairy, smooth, round, full, you name it! I am gettin' all hot and sweaty!

Teddy Pig said...

Now here's something I had to learn the hard way. I came out in San Francisco so there was allot of choices man wise. The problem is there was not allot of people I was hanging with that were honestly looking for a relationship. I spent a hell of a lot of time attempting to convince them and myself that they needed me in a relationship and I needed to change their mind somehow.

yeeeeah a trap! Yep, I was the fixer upper type. Then after finding Leather I realized what I was doing.

What I was trying to do through all this relationship bullshit was basically be subservient. I just did not put any value in that quirk.

Things you figure out as you eventually grow up.

Will said...

Wow, you sure know how to get a boy's attention--and I don't just refer to the picture of the three butts, but to that other woofy picture.

One of the great things about my relationship with Fritz is that neither one of us has ever looked on the other as his home improvement project. Previous relationship problems had taught us not to go there, and we were smart enough to listen.

cola boy said...

True words, Buff. Once I realized that I couldn't make someone change if they didn't want to, things got a lot easier. I know my partner ahs flaws, and so do I. I just know now to work with them and not beat my head against a wall trying to change them.






D. Travers Scott said...

here here!

superficial fault-finding is just an easy escape route to avoid the hard work of intimacy and a deep, ongoing relationship

the idea that you're going to accept someone 100% (and he you) is BS

grown-ups -- REAL MEN -- understand that compromise, acceptance, forgiveness are all part of what makes a relationship really powerful

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post makes me open my eyes on what Im doing to a Great Guy Im dating right now( Always trying to correct him/critize him) ...making me realized ..there is no such thing as MR Perfect......