Sunday, April 04, 2010

Happy Hoppy Easter and the Lowdown on Heavage

It's definitely been a while since I posted. Sorry about that.

Here's something of interest to the group. A fluff piece, but something to ponder.

Male cleavage -- it s a good idea whose time has come by Tony Hicks

I AM NOT a fashion writer. I'm a man who selects his clothes each morning based on the meticulous scientific methods known as MSV (Minimal Spot Visibility). But even I recognize a man who picks his shirts based on loving his own heavage.There didn't used to be a term for heavage, which is a lot like cleavage, only men don't break out in a cold sweat trying not to stare at it. They used to simply call it Burt Reynolds wearing a shirt. Or David Hasselhoff going out on the town. Or Tom Jones doing "... anything.Now we have a term for it. Even the stately Wall Street Journal knows heavage (although they use many more words to describe it than "man-boobs.")"Man cleavage — plunging necklines slit open to reveal chest hair, pectoral muscles, maybe more — is back.

Until recently, male decolletage was an androgynous fashion affectation limited mainly to sporadic appearances on European runways. But the look, including deep V-necks and scoop-neck tops, hit the U.S. in full force at New York's September Fashion Week, turning up at shows by Duckie Brown, Michael Bastian and Yigal Azrouel."Right. What they said. Decolletage and whatnot.So apparently it's not just crazy Russell Brand or Bradley Cooper showing up at a premiere with their shirts unbuttoned to their navels. It's not just Matthew McConaughey at the grocery store. It's not just Bret Michaels "... being Bret Michaels.

For example, I just discovered women get on the Internet to discuss the various heavage (heavages?) of the guys on "The Vampire Diaries." And my first reaction was "Does anyone remember when vampires — being dead and all — didn't look like they had personal trainers? The fall runway shows — which, as you know, I make a point of attending every year — displayed plunging male necklines. As the Journal reported, "The styles were more blatantly sexual and the models had more studly swagger."Let men be men

Who doesn't love studly swagger? Seriously. One time I almost named my band "Studly Swagger." It's about time. Haven't we had enough of these anemic-looking skinny boys, who weigh as much as my left calf, passing themselves off as examples of real men?I'll be honest. The women in my department decided someone should write about this heavage thing. They laughed about it. They chose me because they thought I would make fun of it. I'm not laughing. Not on your life.

In fact, I'm doing push-ups as I type. I've been to Tom Jones concerts, where underwear falls like Seattle drizzle. I heard the women — OK, and some men — screaming what they wanted to do to David Lee Roth at Van Halen concerts (and that was just last year, when about half the females had AARP cards in their wallets). I remember the women crying in the streets when news broke that Ricky Martin was gay.

Don't obsess, guysAlthough it's not often discussed, men measure each other by such things (chest size — not what they think of Ricky Martin). If you've never looked at another man and wondered if he could bench press more than you, you might not really be a man. It's why so many non-athletes who spend a lot of the time at the gym look like stuffed chickens. They only work their chest because that's the status thing.

And that's a problem. I'm all for heavage, but with conditions. Heavage should be an organic thing that comes with development of an overall healthy body. But some men, from what I read, are taking way too much time with this concept, shaving or waxing their chest, going to tanning booths, writing columns while doing one-armed push-ups — it's just too much. (This is a sin against nature. NEVER, NEVER ATTEMPT to WAX CHEST HAIR)

Heavage could be a good thing. But paying that much attention to it is not a good thing. Respectable heavage should come as a by-product of something else — like chopping wood. Or wrestling polar bears. Or writing moderately amusing columns for a decent-sized newspaper. When it comes to presenting or preparing one's heavage, a man should do I do in times of great stress. Ask yourself: "What would William Shatner do?"

Which sometimes gets you funny looks when you say it too loud in public. But it works. So if you got it, go ahead — unbutton those couple of top buttons. And if you don't, go back to work and forget it. Next year's fashion will probably have everyone buttoned up to their foreheads anyway.

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